Salvage Operation

Rick Eckstein was done in by Danny Espinosa, Denard Span and injuries that led to the most hilariously awful collection of reserve hitting performances imaginable.

The not-so-secret truth behind the 2013 Washington Nationals offensive futility is that most of their everyday players are having good, in some cases very good, seasons. Bryce Harper and Jayson Werth are both having near great seasons that have been truncated by repeated trips to the DL. Wilson Ramos has likewise been legitimately great, when he's been healthy enough to play.  Ian Desmond is building on his breakout 2012, and Ryan Zimmerman has been very solid (at least with the bat) all season. Adam LaRoche has unsurprisingly not come close to replicating last season's success, but he hasn't been a drag on the offensive either, apart from his traditional difficulties with left handers, and grounding into a team-leading 11 double plays.

That leaves Espinosa, Span, and the vast airless void that is the Nationals' bench.  Giving 167 plate appearances to Espinosa, he of the 158/193/272 slash line, isn't the sole cause of the team's offensive woes, but it made a significant contribution to the size of the hole. Backup 2B Steve Lombardozzi's 235/247/294 performance didn't exactly cry out for additional playing time either. The promotion of Anthony Rendon seems to have stanched the bleeding for the time being, but real damage was done.

Denard Span's .262 batting average and .319 on base percentage aren't insupportable from a very good defensive center fielder, but they're inexcusable from a leadoff hitter who has accumulated the 2nd most plate appearances on the team. What's more, Span has simply (and suddenly, given his career numbers) been unable to hit left-handed pitching at all this season, but has only recently been platooned versus lefties.

Enough ink has been spilled on the collective troubles of the Nats' bench, so suffice it to say that sacking the lot of them and replacing them with 5 starters from the AAA squad probably wouldn't be a downgrade. There's too much water under the bridge to realistically expect the team to compete either for the division or wild card at this point, but that's no reason not to maximize their offensive potential going forward. With that in mind, a modest lineup reorganization proposal to help the Nationals stop sucking quite so much:

vs. RHP                                     vs. LHP

CF  D. Span                               2B  A. Rendon
RF  J. Werth                               RF  J. Werth
LF  B. Harper                             3B  R. Zimmermann
SS  I. Desmond                           SS  I. Desmond
3B  R. Zimmerman                       C   W. Ramos
1B  A. LaRoche                           LF  S. Hairston
2B  A. Rendon                             CF  B. Harper
C   W. Ramos                              1B  T. Moore

The starters actually hit right-handed pitching pretty well, so the only adjustments to be made would be to get the on-base guys higher in the lineup, and break up the lefties and righties a bit.  The lineup versus right-handers is dangerous, top-to-bottom.  It's pretty clear that the problem comes against left-handed pitching. Span and LaRoche are out entirely, Harper drops way down, and Rendon leads off more or less by default. The middle of the order is solid, but the bottom third has mostly been a black hole this season. Add in the fact that none of the bench bats can be counted on to contribute in key spots, and you get a team that is 3 games under .500 and trending down.

There you have it, a nickel's worth of free advice for new Nationals hitting coach/sacrificial lamb Rick Schu. By the numbers, there's no reason that the Nationals should not have a better than league average offense going forward. Not that that'll be much comfort to the team or its fans, who had such grand dreams for 2013.

It Is Finished

Photo by AP

Win the Battle, Lose the War?

Just keep repeating "It was only precautionary. It was only precautionary."

Ummm... it was only precautionary, right? Fellas?

Is this thing on...?

Strasburgeddon and Other Catchy Headlines

I'm not a doctor, and I don't play one on TV, but it seems to me that a precautionary MRI is not something a pitcher gets because he has "trouble getting loose in the bullpen". It might, however, be the kind of thing a pitcher gets when he "may be favoring his four-seam fastball over his two-seamer." "There's no pain" should be words of comfort, except that a brief history of DC pitchers who have felt no pain includes John Patterson, Brian Lawrence, Chad Cordero, Matt Chico, Jordan Zimmermann, Scott Olsen and Jason Marquis. In other words, it was fun while it lasted, Nats fan.

Capps & Trade

As the trade deadline draws nearer the Nationals are the subject of an unusual amount of speculation. Beyond the usual suspects (Adam Dunn and Josh Willingham) opposing teams are rumored to have varying levels of interest in Cristian Guzman, Adam Kennedy, Willie Harris and Matt Capps. Nationals Journal and Nationals Review both took in-depth looks at the pros and cons of trading the Nats' closer. Here's the bottom line: closers are made, not born. And even good relief pitchers are notoriously volatile commodities. DC fans need look no farther than Chad Cordero, Joel Hanrahan and Mike MacDougal to find recent examples of the boom-and-bust closer phenomenon.

Even without Capps the Nats have at least three relievers who are arguably capable of holding a lead in the 9th inning. Tyler Clippard has been the consummate set-up man. You might not want to bring him in with men on, but if you need three outs and the bases are empty there's no reason to think he can't do the job. Joel Peralta saved 2o games for AAA Syracuse this season and has pitched well since his promotion, with basically the same arsenal that Capps employs. Then there's Drew Storen, consensus "closer of the future". He's done everything asked of him so far, so unless he's on an inning count, why not see if he can handle the 9th inning?

If Mike Rizzo can trade Matt Capps for anything of value he should do it now and not think twice. That said, we ain't getting Wilson Ramos for Capps or Matt Garza for Adam Dunn. Who let Jim Bowden back in here?

Dunn Roaming

I have no problem with Adam Dunn's impromptu visit to the Miller Park broadcast booth on Saturday night. I do have a problem with him not clearing it by Jim Riggleman or bench coach John McLaren. The talking to he got was justified. However well-intentioned, Adam's decision to duck out of the clubhouse without telling anyone projects a devil-may-care indifference that the worst defensive team in baseball should probably try to avoid. On the plus side, at least he wasn't taking a nap.

Now He's a National

Welcome to Washington, Stephen. Is it time to start the "Countdown to Free Agency"?

About That Pitching Depth

This is a largely meaningless piece of early season fluff from new WaPo beat writer Adam Kilgore. I'm not ripping Adam, pieces like this are inevitable when every beat writer has blogs to fill and chats to host in addition to the standard gamers and traditional longer-form stories. When you have to find something to talk about other than how the team's front office, pitching and roster construction all suck eggs, you get a one-off post on the Nationals' improved minor league pitching depth.

The article is accurate, as far as it goes. Matt Chico, who started 31 games for the Nationals in 2007, is currently assigned to AA Harrisburg as he continues to rehab from Tommy John surgery. Lots of guys come back from TJ surgery these days, and some even come back stronger, so there's reason to think that we might see Chico in the big leagues again one day. But here's the thing: even as a fully healthy 24 year-old Matty was maxed out as the "workhorse" on one of the worst pitching staffs in modern baseball history. Could a now 27 year-old Chico really be expected to improve on his 2007 performance (10 H/9, 4 BB/9, 5 KK/9, 91 ERA+)?

Chico is at AA because the AAA roster is chock full of MLB "veterans." Scott Olson, J.D. Martin, Colin Balester and Shairon Martis all have experience as major league starters, though experience shouldn't be confused with success. The truth is, if any of these guys were good enough, Messrs. Stammen, Hernandez and Mock would not be a serious impediment to their promotion.

In truth, the Nats don't so much have improved pitching depth as they do improved pitching breadth. From Stammen and Hernandez, to Olsen, Mock, Martin and the rest the Nats have eight or nine guys who could be fairly interchangeable below average starters. Some are a little bit older, some are more flyballers than groundballers, most have only a rough idea where the ball is going when it leaves their hand. None of these guys can be counted on for six or more innings on a regular basis, and having more than two of them in the rotation would quickly burn out even an eight man bullpen.

Does this constitute an improvement? I suppose that's a matter of perspective. In 2010, Matt Chico no longer has a clear path to the front of the Nats rotation. Unfortunately, that's because he's competing with a half dozen Matt Chico clones.

NTP Season Preview: WTF Happened Here?

2010 is supposed to be the season that the Washington Nationals climb back into contention, competition, the conversation in the National League. Zimmerman, Dunn and Willingham anchor the middle of a lineup sparked by Nyjer Morgan. John Lannan leads a staff that just has to hold it together long enough for the second coming (of Stephen Strasburg) to arrive. Matt Capps and Brian Bruney were brought on board to round out a bullpen that almost literally couldn't be any worse. So why does it feel like the summer of 2010 will be another wasted season on the banks of the Anacostia?

1. The Future is Now... Early June

There are good and sensible reasons to let Stephen Strasburg cut his teeth in Harrisburg for two months, but there's no denying it makes the 2010 squad both worse, and more importantly less interesting. It's probably the right thing to do, but it's a tough pill to swallow for a franchise that hasn't had a really compelling storyline to sell since June of 2005.

2. This Wasn't Part of "The Plan", Man!

On the eve of the 2009 season Nats fans were hoping that the addition of Adam Dunn would help Ryan Zimmerman rebound from a sub-par 2008. But three players were expected to build on promising 2008 campaigns: C Jesus Flores, CF Lastings Milledge and RF Elijah Dukes (all 24 on Opening Day). Flash forward one year. Flores has played just 23 games, Milledge lasted all of 7 games before being shipped to Pittsburgh by way of the minor leagues and Dukes' departure was even more abrupt. More on that later, but the lesson here is twofold: 1) Even the best prospects are still just "prospects", and 2) two out of the three have been replaced by older, less talented players for 2010. That's an unorthodox take on rebuilding.

3. A Little Less Talk, A Lot More Action

The Nats were "in" on Aroldis Chapman but balked at the ultimate price. Sure, Chapman isn't the Cuban Strasburg, but he got uniformly rave reviews this Spring. The Nats "talked" to a number of other veteran starters after inking Jason Marquis, but ended up "solidifying" the rotation with (old friend and fan favorite, but c'mon... really) Livan Hernandez. Orlando Hudson apparently actually wanted to play in DC, just not at the price the Nats were offering, leaving the team with Adam "Plan B" Kennedy. But really, what's worse than any of those things in isolation is the creeping suspicion that either this team's owners are stupid, or they think the fans are.

4. Passing Over Elijah

Now that some time has passed, this deserves much more comment. I don't care if Mike Rizzo doesn't like Elijah Dukes, doesn't trust him, doesn't think he'll ever learn to stop swinging at that breaking ball low and away and will never be healthy enough to play 150 games in the field. You don't cut your 25 year-old de facto starting right fielder without having a plan in place to replace him. Clubhouse chemistry does not win ball games, guys that can take a pitch 400 feet the other way do. It seems to me that the last Nats team that was lauded for its clubhouse chemistry was the 2005 squad, and their right fielder was a certified lunatic.

To be any kind of competitive in 2010, the Nats need to make up for Elijah's offense. Harper pretty much had Dukes pegged as the Offensive Key to the season, so you can see this is more than just a passing concern. Maybe Ian Desmond can take up some of that slack, but don't hold your breath hoping for a renaissance from Pudge Rodriguez or Adam Kennedy. Zimmerman, Dunn and Willingham just don't have much room for improvement, and Nyjer Morgan was already playing over his head. In the post-steroid era we probably shouldn't expect to see new RF Willie Harris pull a Brady Anderson either.

Speaking of new right fielders, I need to address this headline briefly. Willy Taveras did not "earn" a job with the Nats. Willy Taveras cannot earn a job in major league baseball, he can only be given one. If you'd like this rant with a side of number, go here or here. As for how anybody could hand Willy Taveras a job in 2010, maybe it's...

5. The Ghost of Jim Bowden

Toolsy former Reds outfielder on the roster (and in the lineup) for no apparent reason? Check.
Multi-year, multi-million dollar contract for a washed up catcher? Check.
Overvaluing veteran relievers off the scrapheap? Check.
Roster constructed to leave a surplus at one position and a deficiency at others? Check.
No discernible progress on the international scouting front? Check.
Ian "Jeter" Desmond at shortstop? Check.

So tell me again how everything's going to be different once Mike Rizzo's in charge? Yes, I know, it's still too soon to judge Rizzo. But that time is coming, and it's coming in months, not years.

And finally...

The End of GUZMANIA!

You'd think I'd be upset about this. But here's what you don't understand. Cristian Guzman was trapped at shortstop like Napoleon on Elba. Mike Rizzo and Jim Riggleman have freed him to rampage across the diamond. Before you could be pretty sure where Guzman would be. Now he's gained the element of surprise. That, along with a fanatical devotion to never drawing a walk, will be his greatest weapon! (In other words, Nationals fans are so deeply screwed in 2010 that Cristian Guzman's problems don't amount to a hill of beans.)

Oh well, at least the Redskins are finally showing some signs of returning to the land of competent, professionally managed organiz... WHAT THE F@&%?!

Better Outrighted Than Garrotted, I Suppose

After quietly smuggling reliever Matt Capps into town earlier this week the Nats made a place for him on the 40-man roster by outrighting lefty reliever Victor Garate to AAA Syracuse. Garate (aka the PTBNL in the Ronnie Belliard trade) had an abysmal 2 inning big league audition at the tail end of 2009, posting a 22.50 ERA, 4.00 WHIP (19 ERA+), so his demotion is not particularly surprising. What is surprising, and more than a little depressing, is that Garate was not necessarily an automatic choice. You could make a case that a half dozen players currently tying up spots on the roster are less valuable than Capps, and Matt (a righty closer on the rebound) isn’t all that valuable himself.

Jesse English, Ryan Mattheus, Atahualpa Severino and Doug Slaten come almost immediately to mind. You could add Luis Atilano and Marco Estrada without much argument, and I’d even be willing to entertain a discussion about the relative value of Brian Bruney and Matt Chico. There’s a lot of dead weight on the Nats roster, but the problem is that these guys are here because they’re better than any of the other options – they are the best major league-ready talent in the organization.

Of course, Drew Storen will be along to claim a roster spot soon enough. Some of the Nats failed starters (Mock, Balester, Chico) might mature into effective relief arms. Every year one or two non-roster invitees impress or resurrect their careers. No doubt several more of the fungible relievers above will be joining Victor Garate in Syracuse or Harrisburg. Still, it’s a measure of how very far the Nats have to go that even after making moves to shore up the relief corp there’s this much chaff on the roster.

The wasted space on the roster makes the team’s reported interest in veteran outfielder Randy Winn all the more difficult to understand. Winn’s a wizard with the glove, but he brings next to nothing with the bat. Assuming he’s not displacing starters Josh Willingham, Nyjer Morgan and Elijah Dukes, or reserve Willie Harris (no slouch with the leather himself), Winn would be competing with Justin Maxwell, Roger Bernadina and Mike Morse for that all-important 5th outfielder spot. Sure a Harris-Morgan-Winn defensive outfield would be impressive, but would it really be worth the collective 260/330/370 batting line?

More on Riggleman's Qualifications

Bill Ladson and his hefty (mail) sack chime in on Jim Riggleman's installation as manager:

What did you think about the Nationals making Jim Riggleman the permanent manager?
-- Charlie B., Washington

It was a great move [...] I loved the way Riggleman gives opponents the element of surprise -- hit and run with Ryan Zimmerman at the plate, a surprise bunt, squeeze plays and stealing bases.

Ah yes, taking the bat out of your Silver Slugger-winning third baseman's hands by making him swing at slop so you can put the guy at first in motion. Daring! Unorthodox! Dumb! And the surprise bunt, the Spanish Inquisition of baseball plays!

I don't know about you, but after this I'm psyched for the 2010 edition of The Elements of Surprise by William Ladson and James Riggleman. No one, and I mean no one is going to see that Josh Willingham suicide squeeze on Opening Day coming!

Cui bono?

There's no upside for the Nats in Jordan Zimmermann's impending Tommy John surgery. It's all well and good for Mike Rizzo to talk about success rates and pitchers coming back stronger, but the bottom line is: The Nats just lost a key piece of their developmental puzzle for at least one year.

This is why baseball fans should have TINSTAAPP tattooed on their foreheads (preferably backwards, so as to be easily readable in the mirror.) This is why you trade Nick Johnson for Aaron Thompson and draft two pitchers for every position player. Baseball is a numbers game, in every sense of the word. From the statistics that measure accomplishment to the attrition that occurs at every level from little league to the majors.

The Nats did everything with Zimmermann that you're supposed to do with a young pitcher. They brought him along slowly, limited his innings, monitored his pitch counts and shut him down at the first sign of trouble. And his elbow exploded like a cheap firework anyway. It's a funny old world, innit?

The Nats don't benefit, and J-Z certainly doesn't, but this turn of events provides leverage to at least two pitchers in the Nats orbit. The first, obviously, is Stephen Strasburg. A failure to sign Strasburg, coming within a week of losing Zimmermann, would be a body blow to a franchise desperately seeking to claw its way out of national joke status. The second, less obvious beneficiary is FJB-nemesis Scott Olsen.

The much-maligned Olsen is likewise recovering from surgery, and there has been some suggestion that he will be non-tendered this offseason to avoid arbitration. Now that our pitching depth just got considerably shallower, Olsen's odds of securing a return engagement have improved dramatically. Hard as it may be to believe, when your alternatives are Stammen, Mock, Martin, Balester, Martis and an unknown cast of dozens, Olsen's not a bad bulwark.

Folks, that's a sad commentary on the state of the franchise's pitching 5 years in. Cui Bono? Nobody.

Survive, Evade, Resist, Escape

In the wake of the "harsh interrogation" controversies of the past few months, reference has been made to the SERE training commonly given to U.S special forces, Air Force pilots and others with a higher than normal risk of capture. SERE stands for Survival, Evasion, Resistance and Escape (or Survive, Evade, Resist, Extract for the Brits.) Now I'm not suggesting that being a Nats fan is in any way as hazardous as serving in the armed forces, I'm just saying that no one should be forced to watch this team without a well-rehearsed survival plan. With that in mind:

Survival: The typical Major League Baseball Season lasts from early April to early October, not counting Spring Training and the abomination of the World Series dragging on into November. Six months, more or less. That's what you as a Nats fan have to plan to endure. Sure there are other baseball-related activities sprinkled throughout the offseason, but those are easy enough to ignore. Survive the regular season and you're home free. Nats playoff games pose no more threat than unicorns. Spring and summer in DC provide a wealth of alternative activities like the Cherry Blossom Festival, the Smithsonian Folklife Festival, Independence Day, Screen on the Green, and many more. Plan now to fill up your evenings and weekends, leaving less time for a spontaneous baseball encounter.

Evasion: Thankfully it's pretty easy to avoid the Nationals. Delete MASN from your channel guide and WFED from your radio presets and your odds of randomly stumbling across a Nats game are virtually nil. With no marketing to speak of, accidently exposure to the Nats is almost impossible. You certainly won't be seeing them on ESPN or the MLB Network. In fact you could easily watch a week's worth of Baseball Tonight and risk only passing exposure to Washington's baseball club. Unless of course they're playing the Yankees, Red Sox, Mets, Dodgers or Cubs, which you won't know because you're actively not paying attention. Probably safer just to avoid ESPN altogether. You won't miss it.

Resistance: This is the tough part. Even with no advertising, a pathetic excuse for a television and radio presence and an almost palpable antipathy to fan cultivation, you're bound to hear, see or read something about the Nationals. Maybe they have a promising young pitcher, or a veteran reclamation project is having a career year. Do not get sucked in. Nationals Park is very nice, but it is not now and never has been a fun place to spend a summer afternoon or evening. It is an attractive vessel for a bottomless well of suffering. It's the baseball equivalent of being waterboarded in a Barcalounger. Maybe you're comfortable, but it's still torture.

Escape: If you find yourself, despite all your best efforts, actually attending a Nats game, do not give up hope. Given the frequent invasions by visiting fans, it is possible to convince yourself you are not at a Nats game at all. In addition, there are several areas of Nationals Park which seem almost intentionally designed to divert attention from the product on the field. From the Playstation fun zone and batting cages to the Build-a-Bear workshop and concession lines it's entirely possible to spend hours in the stadium and not watch any baseball at all. You should also note that the Red Porch restaurant and Red Loft bar frequently have televisions tuned to other sporting events if you prefer active rather than passive avoidance. Because crowds are generally sparse, the physical escape from Nationals Park is usually effortless.

There you have it. A basic, 4-step plan to survive the baseball season in Washington, DC. With practice and a little luck you can enjoy the hallmarks of spring and summer in our nation's capital with never so much as a hint of the atrocities being committed on a daily basis just down South Capitol Street.

Final Acta

The Nationals did something pointless. Dog bites man.

Did Manny Acta "deserve" to get fired? Being 26-61 in the midst of a third consecutive losing season is a strong argument in favor of making changes. But does anyone honestly expect a significant improvement from the Nats in the 2nd half?

I've spilled far too many bytes on the Acta situation already. The manager doesn't pitch, he doesn't hit, he doesn't field. He can't go out there and close out games himself. He can't make Adam Dunn anything more than an indifferent fielder. (Sure, he could bench Dunn to send a "message" to the club, but what would that message be, exactly?)

More worrisome than the firing itself is the atmosphere surrounding the team. Remember that Acta was allegedly supposed to fired a month ago, only to be left hanging when Ken Rosenthal and others "broke the story." So did Stan Kasten stay the execution for 30 days in a fit of pique at the media? If not, what happened between then and now that cost Manny his job?

With Manny out, the last barrier between Stan Kasten and accountability is gone. Kasten talks a good game about being responsible for everything that has gone wrong over the past 3 years, but I missed the part where he offered his resignation after showing Jim Bowden, Randy St. Claire and Acta the door in the space of a few months. Mike Rizzo is an interim GM. Jim Riggleman is a stop-gap manager. This is Stan Kasten's team now, for worse or worse.

Reaction from the Natosphere has been measured and mixed. General consensus: Manny was dealt a lousy hand, but still didn't play it all that well. Brian Oliver makes a good case for giving a new manager a three month audition rather than recycling a retread like Riggleman. But that would require the Nats doing something smart, now wouldn't it?

I'm awfully close to the point of hoping the team screws up the Strasburg negotiations so I can finally write this organization off and go back to enjoying my summers.

They Killed Jesus!

Figuratively speaking. First the Saint, now this? Good thing God Shammgod is in Oregon.

Seriously though, Opening Night 2005, Diamondback (D-Back? d-bag?) reliever Lance Cormier plunks Vinny Castilla, denying him a shot at the cycle. Four years later, they take out our backstop and savior? I'd don't care what Barry White says. Next time you see a snake, you whack 'em good!

Magical Manny Acta

The era of transparency and accountability ushered in by the Obama administration is slowly making its way down South Capitol Street towards Nationals Park. The "Fire [Randy/Manny/Stan]!" drumbeat has been growing louder as the losses mount, and understandably so. Fingers were made for pointing, goats were meant to be scaped and, despite fervent prayers, owners just don't fire themselves.

Canning the pitching coach is okay, maybe even justified when you have the worst bullpen in recorded history, but it doesn't exactly scream "Overhaul!" Axing the Team President certainly counts as a shakeup, but it's hard to do when he's a part-owner, and would the effects really trickle down to the play on the field? No, if you want maximum bang for your pink slip, the field manager is your guy. Whether you think that Manny Acta was never the right man for the job, that he lost the team at some point, or just that there has to be somebody out there who can do better, the evidence just keeps piling up.

Unfortunately you can't fire Manny Acta, because: MANNY HAS SUPER POWERS!

Look, I know what you're thinking. One too many blown saves has finally untethered Nate's mind from its increasingly fragile moorings. That's certainly a possibility, but consider this. The 2009 Washington Nationals have the worst defense in Major League Baseball and a historically bad relief corps. You think random chance could have brought the two together? HA!

Truth is, immediately after the opposing team strikes the ball Manny erupts from the dugout at speeds which render him invisible to MASN's X-MO camera, much less the puny human eye. In less time than it takes a hummingbird to flap its wings he subtly repositions the fielders so that Cristian Guzman doesn't get the glove down on a grounder, Willie Harris is forced to take circuitous routes to routine fly balls and Anderson Hernandez flinches away from relay throws at the last second. But super speed is just the beginning.

When a reliever's pitch randomly goes sailing to the backstop, or skidding into the dirt in front of home plate, that's Manny's telekenesis at work. Such is the power of Manny's mind that he can convince Charlie Slowes that a game ending fly out is actually a home run! And there's more.

Invisi-Manny creeps through the clubhouse just before game time loading down Adam Dunn's cleats with lead. The additional weight means that he's slow to balls in the gap and spikes throws into the outfield grass. Sometimes, when a Nats runner gets a good lead off first, Invisi-Manny will trip him just for spite.

"But that's ridiculous!", you say. "Manny Acta isn't out there sabotaging the players, causing the relievers to throw junk down the middle and the outfielders to miss cut-off men. He's the manager, sure, but he can't make Garrett Mock throw strikes or Adam Dunn play a ball off the wall properly."

To which my response is: "Fine. But if that's true, who do we fire?"

OK, Where's the Camera?

I admit, this is a really good gag. In fact, the 2009 Washington Nationals season may be the most elaborately conceived and exquisitely executed prank in the 50+ year history of Candid Camera and its progeny. Imagine orchestrating the opening 40 games of a major league baseball season just to capture the incredulous reactions of the fans as their team invents new and ever more gut-wrenching ways to lose. It's pure genius. Somewhere Alan Funt is smiling.

But even a great joke must come to an end. So bring out Ashton Kutcher, or Howie Mandel, or whoever is orchestrating this masterpiece. (Is it Clint? Is that what he's been doing this whole time?) Raise the curtain, reveal the hidden cameras and we can all have a good chuckle. Look, I understand, it's a global recession, times are tough, everybody needs something to raise their spirits. Really, I'm not even mad.

Just send the actors you hired to play our bullpen home, give us back a half-dozen league average relievers, and we'll call it even. I must say, that whole sub-plot about Owen Wilson signing on to play a Washington relief pitcher was brilliant. Misinformation at its finest. After all, when you're looking for a big star, who would even notice seven or eight character actors? It's not like anyone knows what relievers look like anyway.

Should we have been a little suspicious when "Joe Beimel" showed up from Hollywood just before the season started to "stabilize the bullpen"? Maybe, but Rizzo was really convincing. And was it a little too convenient that "Julian Tavarez" and "Kip Wells" happened to be available as last minute free agent additions? Perhaps. But the real masterstroke was keeping Joel Hanrahan around to make it all look official. While you're packing up your gear, be sure to have someone tell him that he can stop acting like a terrible closer now. The joke has run its course.

In conclusion, I'd like to say "Bravo!" Job well done. If you have any plans for a Season Two, I highly recommend Philadelphia. Those guys love "gotcha" humor. So thanks again for the laughs, but it's time to let us get back to traditional mediocre Washington Nationals baseball now, ok?

Ok...?

Scenes From A Bullpen

Hey, Nats fans! Ever wondered what goes on down in the 'pen as the late innings approach? Wonder no more.

Your pals at NTP have obtained this exclusive behind-the-scenes footage of Nats relievers going through their warm-up routine. Frankly, it explains everything:




Let's see Screech recreate this Chris Walken performance on the JumboTron. Bang! Zoom! indeed.

Lots to Talk About, Nothing to Say

I don't write about the Nats much anymore because I don't watch the games anymore. I don't watch the games anymore because I don't need to watch to know what's going to happen. Just over a month in, the patterns are pretty well established.

• The hitting will fall somewhere on this spectrum: mediocre<------------>not quite good enough
  
• The defense will turn in a few gems, which only serve to highlight the more frequent Keystone Kops moments.
• The starting pitching will vary wildly from night to night; Zimmermann and Martis are most likely to impress, Cabrera is almost guaranteed to fail spectacularly and Lannan gets points for going on TV with those eyebrows.
• The bullpen, as a unit, will be an unmitigated disaster regardless of its individual components. This is beginning to take on the quality of Natural Law. Pitching in relief for the Nationals leads quickly and inexorably to career death. See, e.g. Cordero, Rauch, Ayala, Majewski, Rivera, etc.

Meanwhile, Lastings Milledge has done nothing to suggest his quick demotion to Syracuse was ill-conceived, but might still be the Nats All-Star thanks to Red Sox Nation and justified antipathy of the Nats dwindling fanbase. Ryan Zimmerman anyone?

Milledge is in AAA, but Adam Dunn plays rightfield on a semi-regular basis and the Nats still seem have too few ABs for all their outfielders. How does this happen?

Owen Wilson has apparently signed on to play a Nats relief pitcher in a not-yet-filmed but sure to be terrible romantic comedy. It seems more than a little unfair that he didn't have to compete with the other half dozen guys pretending to be Nats relief pitchers.

Finally, come June the Nats must draft pitching phenom Stephen Strasburg, sign him to the richest amateur contract in history and resign themselves to the fact that he will be a colossal disappointment. Of course, should they opt not to do this, it will be another sign of the organization's comical incompetence. If that doesn't just sum up life as a Nats fan...

Well, I Feel Much Better Now

Nationals trade minor league reliever Kyle Gunderson for Marlins reliever Logan Kensing.

Kensing's career major league profile:

• 9.1 hits/9 innings
• 5.1 BB/9
• 8.9 K/9
• 82 ERA+

Translation: gives up more than a hit an inning, walks way too many, has good strikeout numbers, but is a thoroughly mediocre 26 year-old RHRP.

I assume Logan's pre-trade physical included a check for the flashing light in his palm. Kensing will replace Jason "Harvey" Bergmann in the bullpen.

Bergy's career major league profile:

• 9.1 hits/9 innings
• 3.4 BB/9
• 6.8 K/9
• 85 ERA +

Translation: gives up more than a hit an inning, doesn't walk too many, average strikeout numbers, a mediocre 27 year-old RHRP.

Yes, this should be just what's needed to revamp the Nats bullpen. On the other hand, maybe this will do the trick.

All the Right Moves?

OK, so how do we blame this on Jim Bowden? If last winter was Jim Bowden's crucible, this summer is shaping up to be Manny Acta's trial by fire. There's no question that this is the most talent ever assembled on Acta's watch. But, to misquote the late Ben Parker, with great talent comes great responsibility.

This is exactly what we as fans should want. This is Manny's team, win or lose. He picked Kearns over Dukes. He went with three lefties in the 'pen and left Bergmann out. He installed Lastings Milledge in center field and the leadoff spot. He indicated that there won't be a true outfield rotation to get Dukes and Willingham at-bats. If it works, he's a genius. If every day is like yesterday...

For what it's worth, I agree with most of Manny's moves. I think playing Austin is the only possible way to give him any trade value. I think stockpiling relievers with options in the minors is the best way to construct a capable bullpen over a long season. I think batting Milledge leadoff is at least a defensible move, though I'd prefer at little less GUZMANIA! in his approach.

Dukes isn't going anywhere unless he has a blow up. And if he blows up over being benched after the hacktastic spring he had, he's probably not a stable long-term building block anyway. It's not like he being passed over for Mike Vento, for goodness sake.

This is what managers get paid to do. Over the last few seasons Manny Acta hasn't been managing, he's been surviving. Lurching from game-to-game with a cobbled together lineup and the AAAA pitcher of the month is a fine test of intestinal fortitude, but no real measure of managerial skill. 2009 is a different story and the results will speak for themselves.

Sigh.

And it was shaping up to be such a nice spring too. Now no matter what happens, who plays well, who gets hurt, who earns a job or gets traded, THIS is the story of the spring for the Nats. It's not just Lugo/Gonzalez's reverse-Benjamin Button routine. It's Rijo and the buscones, Bowden and the Feds, Kasten and the Lerners and who knew what when. It's sordid and seedy and almost certainly criminal, but it's also more than a little sad.

This implicates the whole scouting staff from Bowden and Rijo on down. Kasten and the Lerners get dragged in if it turns out that any of this mess is the reason why the Nats have been less involved in the international market over the last few years. It casts doubt on the only tangible evidence of that international presence, the two DSL championship clubs the Nats have fielded. For a team that preaches building from within and doing things the right way, it hurts twice as bad.

Several other shoes have yet to drop, and we may never know the full extent of the corruption, complicity and incompetence. It's irrelevent to me whether JimBo or Rijo or some scout or a few folks in the MLB front office get fired. The damage to the organization has been done, and a public reputation flogging won't undo anything. Frankly, I'm not sure Jim Bowden has any reputation left to lose.

It's Spring Training and I don't want to hear about this $#!%. Is this what it feels like to be a Yankees fan at this time of year?

UPDATE: Hell hath no fury like a Stan Kasten scorned. If the team knew about these rumors by the winter of 2006-07, why bring the "kid" to the GCL? No doubt we haven't heard the last of this.