February 3, 2007

Nats News Roundup

Scouring the Web in a cursory, half-assed fashion for a recap of the Washington week that was...*

Pesky Procrastinating Pitchers Prolong Pending Payday Process

A 3-year deal with Official 2007 Slugger-by-Default Austin Kearns (including a $50K bonus for every member of the starting 8 he doesn't cripple) leaves only the front and back ends of the Nationals pitching staff eligible for arbitration. There's a million dollar gap between the team and ace SP John Patterson, and half a million separates the club and fireman Chad Cordero.

Patterson, who may or may not have re-injured his forearm making a western omelet this morning, definitively rejected the team's offer of a 1-year, uncapped, $10,000 per inning contract. Joining J-Patt, seeking a $4.15M deal, "Closer for Sale" Cordero, his hour come 'round at last, slouches toward New York [Phoenix] to be arbitrated.

Church Targets Resurrection; Advances Anti-Iverson Image

Maligned, malingering outfielder (and sometime amateur theologian) Ryan "Orthodox"Church is seeking a fresh start by dedicating himself to practice, practice, practice. Citing increased "
mental toughness" which he developed by listening to people say unkind things about his actual physical toughness and inability to hit an 0-2 breaking pitch, Church says 2007 will be "the year I prove everybody wrong." Hopefully not including everybody who thinks Church is the Nationals best centerfield option.

Demand for Ex-Nats Skyrocketing, Kasten Eyes Preemptive Auction

Observing the ridiculous salaries handed out to former rotation placeholders Ramon Ortiz and Tony Armas, Stan Kasten is in the early stages of formulating a "Plan" (TM, all rights reserved) to auction off members of the 2007 team at the first faint glimmerings of success. Said Kasten, "What exactly have RamonO and Armas done to deserve a collective $6M? That money should be in my po... err, the team's revenue stream. The Nationals put them in a position to collect this unseemly windfall, and should profit accordingly."

Kasten went on to note that preliminary projections indicate that Jerome Williams could fetch upwards of $2.5M at auction, and Jason Simontacchi "somewhere in the neighborhood of $45 bucks. That's a week worth of savory brisket."

New Stadium to Include Upgraded Lighting, Turn Lanes and Complimentary Snow Removal

DC City Council voted to fold the entire fiscal 2008 municipal services budget into the Nationals Stadium Plan, pointing out that anything that makes DC more attractive to residents and visitors will undoubtedly increase attendance at the new stadium and benefit the team. Moments later the Council reacted with horror to CFO Nat Ghandi's back-of-the-envelope calculations showing that the new stadium was $1.2 billion over the $611M cost cap "even before the first significant snow event of the season."

Councilman David Catania is promising a council resolution directing the city staff to bill the Kasten family for the cost of trash removal in Wards 1, 3, 7 and 8 as a means to recoup some of the expenditures.

*Sadly, only one of these "news" items has less than a 50% basis in fact.


MissChatter said...

This is a minor nitpick :-) But I believe they're slouching toward Phoenix this year for arbitration, IIRC.

They got complimentary snow removal cuz it's a safe bet that it will never snow here again!

Nate said...

Phoenix?! But that's God's waiting room!