February 24, 2007

The Gooz Abides

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
(Photo courtesy of Rocket1124 and Photobucket.)

Way down south, down Viera way, there was this fella I wanna tell ya about. Goes by the name of Cristian Guzman. At least that was the handle his loving parents gave him, but he never had much use for it himself. See, this Guzman, he called himself "Guzie". Now, "Guzie" - there's a name no man would self-apply where I come from. But then there was a lot about the Gooz that didn't make a whole lot of sense. And a lot about where he played, likewise.

He wasn't much of a shortstop really, not by the ways people reckon such things. Heck, some folks figured he'd make a bigger contribution sitting at home, sipping White Russians. Why, there was even some talk of making D'Angelo Jimenez the starting shortstop. D'Angelo Jimenez, author of the .183/.333/.268 line in 2006. Billy Beane himself couldn't find a productive use for that on-base percentage! Still, such was the loathing that the Gooz inspired in otherwise fair-minded people.

Sure, the Gooz may not have hit much. He didn't see particularly well, and his throwing shoulder didn't always work right. Still, that shortstop really tied the infield together. Sometimes there's a man... I won't say an all-star, 'cause, what's an all-star? Sometimes, there's a man. And I'm talkin' about the Gooz here - the Gooz from Santo Domingo, DR. Sometimes, there's a shortstop, well, he's the shortstop for his time and place. He fits right in there. And that's the Gooz. The Gooz, from Viera. And even if he's a lazy man - and the Gooz was quite possibly that. Quite possibly the laziest in all of Major League Baseball. Over the last two years, well.. sometimes you eat the bear, and sometimes, well, he eats you.

The Gooz had been an All-Star, an MVP candidate. And the starting shortstop for three division champions. But not lately. And there are those who look to rewrite, or at least revise, history. They say
post hoc is most certainly not propter hoc. To them, the Gooz comes with asterix attached. *In spite of, it says. These men are nihlists. They believe in nothing. Nihilists! I mean, say what you like about the tenets of Nationals Socialism, at least it's an ethos.

But the Gooz abides. He stretches, he takes BP, he has MRIs. He'll bat second, or maybe seventh. He'll play shortstop while he's able, or sip White Russians on the end of the bench. Either way he'll collect $8 million dollars over the next two seasons. The fans will boo, or maybe they'll just be screaming GOOOOOZ! I guess that's the way the whole darn human comedy keeps perpetuatin' itself.

The Gooz abides. I don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Gooz. Takin' the mudballs for all us fans. Shoot. I sure hope he makes the All-Star team.


Watson said...

That's it Nate, I'm taking away your bottle of Tabasco *AND* your bottle of Jack Daniels.

Basil said...

Gooz and "all-star" in the same sentence is much like Dennis Franz and "Calvin Klein model."

Chris Needham said...

I guess that this makes me Walter?

Nate said...

Unless you'd rather be Donnie?

Rocket1124 said...

Shut the f*ck up Donnie!

If you eat up all my Photobucket bandwith, Nate, I'll change the pic at that link to a naked Jim Bowden. ;)